How do you elicit the reactions your trying to avoid?

Each relationship--sexual and nonsexual--are opportunities for you to see yourself. Think of everything as a mirror. Look at the mirror and take responsibility for the role you play throughout all relationships. 

The most difficult but the most powerful thing you can learn about yourself is this - You play a role in eliciting the reactions from others that you least want to receive. Often times we utilize behaviors we believe will safeguard us from unpleasant reactions but it is actually those behaviors that end up eliciting it! A mindfuck but true.

The most common example I see in my work with coupes is a dance between the pursuer and the distancer. One person pursues out of anxiety of being abandoned and the other person retreats aka abandons out of fearing a loss of independence. Both firm in their dance and stance. Neither of which able to change their movements because the focus is on the other person's reaction or lack thereof. The distancer elicits the pursuit because it stirs up anxiety or anger and the pursuer elicits the retreat and eventual abandonment because they aren’t able to allow their partner space. Both are eliciting the reaction they are trying to avoid. 

One of the most common things I see in my work with individuals is the “I’m unlovable and not good enough” narrative. We withhold information about ourselves because we are afraid of judgement and being lonely. Yet the lack of vulnerability we present with MAKES US FEEL ALONE AND DISCONNECTED. Being closed off invites judgment and isolation. People will assume you aren’t interested in connecting with them which will elicit a distancing response. 

Stop blaming other people for your feelings and/or living in their stories. You play a huge role in the treatment you are receiving from those in your life. You are projecting your past experience(s) with intimacy → this is YOUR history. Ask yourself, am i getting what I want? If not, what are the behaviors I employ in the pursuit of what I desire? Are they working? How might you alter them?